Diary of an Edge-a-phobic

I’m not a gambler.

I refill my car’s gas tank when it’s half-full, pay all my bills on the first of the month, and make sure there’s always a spare of everything in our pantry.

I don’t like the edge.

The edge is the unknown. The edge is scary. The edge is where I don’t have control.

Is it any wonder that God likes the edge? What’s more, He likes me on the edge.

The edge is where I have no choice but to trust him to catch me, to save me, to feed me, and to lead me. It’s where my control is stripped away, and I’m as vulnerable and naked as the day I was born.

I get hives just thinking about it.

The only way God could get me on the edge was by blindfolding me then gently and lovingly leading me out onto it. How did He do it?

“Send Someone Else,” said Moses

Seven years ago, God exposed my husband’s serial adultery and my codependency, i.e., need to control. We were separated for four years while we both went—kicking and screaming—through the various stages of addiction recovery.

Last month, we celebrated three years back together and a 26-year marriage that is better than either of us could have asked or imagined (Ephesians 3:20).

And even though God caught me, saved me, fed me, and led me throughout my desert journey, I was still an edge-a-phobic. My default was to circle up the wagons and stay safe inside my little bubble.

Alas, that wasn’t God’s plan for me.

During my recovery, I started blogging as a catharsis to work through some of my deeper character issues. I discovered the areas I was confronting were universal. They applied to my readers regardless of marital status, age, nationality, or race.

That’s because they were human issues—fear, faith, fear, relationships, fear, health, and did I say fear?

In Good Company

I quickly realized I wasn’t the only edge-a-phobic. In fact, there was/is a lot of us.

But the people I was drawn to the most were spouses like me. Partners who were using their marriage as a lifeline (instead of God), who were finding their identity in their marriage (instead of Jesus), and who were letting their feelings lead them (instead of the Word).

And the only reason I could now clearly see them, desperately clinging to the familiar and the known, was because I was finally standing on the edge myself.

And the view was astounding. Scary? Yes. Exhilarating? Yeah. But also, well, exciting. And motivating.

I had two views: The one before me looking out into the great unknown. And the view behind me where so many of my sisters still clung to their fear of the edge, their fear of letting go, and their fear of letting God transform their spouse, their marriage, and most importantly, themselves (Romans 12:1-2).

I started this blog and began inspiring others from the edge, calling my sisters to grasp their faith, face their fears, brave their pain, and leave the security of the known.

And one by one, they came. At first reluctant and tearful, then purposeful and determined.

Pain with a Plan

There is a line of us now, toes hanging over the edge, one hand reaching out to God, the other reaching back to those behind us, beckoning them forward.

Together we are choosing to recycle our pain so others can know the freedom that comes from embracing our fear and surrendering to God’s loving discipline (Hebrews 12:7-11).

I still refill my gas tank when it’s far from empty, I pay my bills on the first, and I keep plenty of spare peanut butter, tuna, and olive oil in the pantry.

The edgy unknown still scares me but not as much as it used to. The air is clearer, the sky is bluer, and I can feel God’s presence and pleasure like the sun’s warm breath on my face.

I don’t know what else He has in store for me or my marriage, but I’m determined to let Him be my lifeline, His Word be my plumb line, and His Son be the only one to whom I look for my identity.

If playing it safe has kept you running around in circles in your broken marriage. If you’re ready, REALLY ready to change. If you’re ready to get out on the edge where you can experience a victorious life regardless of your spouse’s choices to change, schedule a call with me. Let’s talk about how we can get you from paralyzing fear to mountain-moving faith in a few short months!